Guidance
by pjrbcb
Summary: Kinda sort of a Post Ep for 5x22 "He needs to talk to someone, ask for help. Richard Castle needs someone to help him, make him not screw this up." TWO-SHOT
1. Chapter 1

_**guidance**_

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Castle honestly can't believe he is here, considers turning around for like the fifth time. He really doesn't think he should have just shown up, definitely should have called first.

Yes, that would have been the proper thing to do, but every time he went to pick up the phone he chickened out. He couldn't come up with one excuse as to why he would be calling, asking to come over, nothing that wouldn't have to make him explain.

And that's the problem, he doesn't know how to explain, doesn't have a clue what he really wants from this whole visit in the first place.

Well maybe he does, maybe he has an idea of what he really wants. He wants to be enough, for her, for his family, for whatever future she may have in mind. But he is terrifyingly afraid that he doesn't know how to do this, how to make a future for them, how not to completely screw it up.

He is almost positive he is doing it already though, messing it up, letting it slip through his fingers. He doesn't know when it happened or how or why. He thought he was doing a good job, he thought that they were doing just fine.

But he is starting to see that he was wrong. That maybe he is supposed to be doing more, being more, giving her more. The problem is he doesn't know how to do that, not without messing everything up, because that is what happens next, the messing up part, the agreeing to more part that then turns into the messing up part, when everything that started begins to end. He can't let that happen, it can't, no way. But he doesn't know what to do.

He needs to talk to someone, ask for help. Richard Castle needs someone to help him, make him not screw this up.

And in a startling moment, when he thought about things he doesn't usual do, he realized that he doesn't have anyone to talk to. Not about this anyway.

He couldn't go to his mother. He loves her, respects her, but she can't help with this. She herself couldn't figure it out. He's had forty years worth of step-dads and almost step-dads and one-sided awkward conversations with men he never cared about, to know this. For all her wonderful exuberance and wealth of wisdom, she did not set the best example of love and commitment.

He doesn't have a dad. Well, yes, he does have a dad, a real one too, an actual man, no longer the one he made up in his head. But that man chose a career as a spy over love and his family, and that's not the kind of commitment Castle wants to understand. Not that he could ask anyways.

There was Roy Montgomery. He could have helped. Castle misses him with a fierce longing he hasn't felt in quite awhile. Roy would have known, would have had answers. He should have asked him when he had the chance. Even if it was too early, even if they weren't together yet, but he knew it was possible someday. Roy knew too. Castle knows the Captain wouldn't have been surprised at Kate's and his relationship. So he should have asked when Roy was still here, learned everything he could have.

However that is not the case. Roy is dead and his parental examples leave lots to be desired. So he stands at the door of what he believes is his last and only option. A door he is not entirely sure how he knows the address of, but he does, and he is here and if he could just get over himself he could knock and maybe get some answers.

So he does. He knocks and holds his breath.

For a terrifying moment he doesn't think anyone is home.

"Dammit," he mutters to himself. "Shoulda called."

But then he hears the lock turn and door slowly opening.

"Rick?"

"This is a surprise."

"Jim," Castle nods at the older man.

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Second part to come soon.

_Thanks so much for reading. _


	2. Chapter 2

Their greeting turns awkward as Castle begins to shift nervously in the doorway. He is now staring at his shoes, unsure how to move this forward.

Jim breaks the silence. "Rick, I got to ask. Is everything okay, everyone okay?"

Castle realizes suddenly that his unannounced visit is scaring the poor man.

"Oh. Yes, of course," Castle rushes out. "Everyone is fine, Jim. Everything is okay, I promise."

Jim shoulders slump in relief. He takes a step back into the apartment, waves Castle in.

"Take a seat, Rick. What can I do for you?"

Castle sits down on the small couch while Jim takes a seat in a small leather chair across from him. Castle takes a look around for the first time, notices the artwork, the deep cherry stained bookshelf that easily rivals his in size and number of books, and the modern décor that adores most of the decent sized apartment.

Castle finally looks back at Jim, sees him eyeing him curiously. He goes to start but realizes that he has no idea how. He opens his mouth but hesitates. Dammit. He's such an idiot. He really should have thought this through better.

Castle leans over, places his elbows on his knees and practically growls into his hands. He feels Jim tap him on the knee.

"Rick?"

"Is everything really okay? Is it Katie? Is something wrong with Katie?"

Castle sits back up, realizing he needs to reassure the man again.

"No, no. Kate is fine, she is great actually. This has nothing to do with Kate. I mean, well, yes, Kate has to do with it, me and her together, but this is about me actually."

Castle cuts himself off, wonders briefly if Jim thinks he has completely lost his mind. But when he looks at the man's face he sees no judgment just patience, a willingness to wait him out. Jim gives him a soft smile, one that squeezes his heart as it reminds him so much of Kate.

"What's on your mind, Rick? You are free to talk here."

And Castle believes him, he find that he really does believe that. He relaxes a little, relieves some of the tension in his posture. Maybe Jim really will be able to help.

"I am not sure how much Kate has told you about me," Castle starts. "About my past, about my family life."

Jim nods, "Well you and Katie have been partners for almost five years now. My daughter and I talk, Rick. She has talked about you for a long time now. More than she would have cared to admit to at first."

Castle can't help but smirk at that. Even when she claimed to hate him, she talked to her dad about him.

"Now don't let that go to your head, Rick," Jim cuts into his internal musings. "My daughter won't be pleased that I told you that."

"No, sir, she wouldn't. You are right about that."

"But Rick, if you are asking if I know about your past marriages, then yes I do. I know that you haven't always had—how should I put it?—the _nicest _reputation."

Castle feels a sudden need to defend himself. "I love her. I love your daughter, sir. More than I could ever explain."

The older man looks a little taken aback from his outburst. "I know that, Rick. Is that why you are here? Because I don't need convincing, I have known for awhile now."

Castle sighs. "No, that is not why I am here. I am glad you know how I feel about your daughter though, but that is not the reason I wanted to talk to you."

"Were Kate's grandparents married for a long time? I mean did the marriage last?" He blurts out the question with no pretext. He feels horrible as soon as it is out of his mouth. This is not his place. Castle is about two seconds away from apologizing for everything and getting the hell out when Jim answers.

"Yes and no."

Castle freezes, waits for Jim to continue.

"My parents were married for almost fifty years before my mom died somewhat suddenly from a stroke. They had their fights and arguments and what sometimes felt like all out battles, but they loved it each, there was no doubt. When I got older and got married myself I saw how much work they put into it every day. How hard they tried."

"Johanna's parents, they divorced when she was about thirteen. It was hard on her and I know it made her a little hesitant about the idea of marriage. But don't get me wrong, I was hesitant too. Like I have told you before, it took us three years before I ever made a move."

"Why were you hesitant?" Castle wonders aloud.

"Because I was scared," Jim simply replies. "I was worried I would mess it up, let her down."

"I'm scared too," Castle admits. "Terrified really and it makes me not want to change things, makes me want to stay right where we are. But I don't think Kate is okay with that, from what I am starting to understand is that she isn't."

"Rick. If I may, where you scared when you married your first wife?"

Castle thinks about it. "Yes. Yes I was. Meredith was pregnant and my whole world was changing. I was definitely scared."

"So you were scared about becoming a father, about your life being different. Where you scared about getting married?"

No, he thinks. He wasn't. "No. Not really. It just seemed like the right thing to do."

"And your second wife?"

Castle thinks about it again, and if he is being honest with himself, no he wasn't He sighs softly, knows that this makes him look bad.

"No I wasn't scared then either. It felt like the next step in the relationship, so we got married. I was happy, felt like it was the right thing to do, but never really scared."

"So maybe being scared this time around isn't such a bad thing. Maybe you know you have too much to lose this time. Rick, you are a charming man, with wit, money, and talent. But we both know that you cannot buy Katie. Not even your books can keep her with you if she doesn't want to stay.

You however, are more than your money, and your books, and your past. And I believe that my daughter is smart enough to see past all of that and simply choose you for you, without all the rest getting in the way."

"But what if I am not enough," Castle asks a little desperately.

"You aren't, Rick. You are not enough," Jim states.

Castle sucks in a breath, feels the stab to his heart. He knew it; he knew that he wouldn't be enough.

"Nobody is enough. No one person is ever enough. I wasn't enough. I couldn't be both a grieving husband and a father. And then I didn't even do either. I drank. I didn't grieve or be a father, I just drank."

"Jim," Castle cuts in.

Jim puts his hand up, silences the younger man. "No, let me finish."

"Katie is not enough. She couldn't solve her mother's case and still be a whole person, have healthy relationships. She couldn't work on it and not drown. Johanna wasn't enough either, Rick. Did you know that?"

Castle holds his breath, doesn't dare speak at this point.

"She was an amazing woman and I still love her to this day, but she fell short too. She couldn't move as quickly as she wanted to in her career and still be an attentive wife and mother. She had to make choices. Sometimes her work was affected and sometimes she left Katie and me alone for dinner too many nights in a row."

"Nobody is ever enough. But what I have figured out is that's okay. People, people we think we don't deserve, will love us anyway. They will love us even if we are not enough. And as long as we don't stop trying to be enough then we will be okay."

Castle is stunned silent. He really has no words to respond.

"You love my daughter. You've already said that. Are you ever going to stop trying to improve your relationship with her?"

"No," Castle responds immediately.

"Are you ever going to stop trying to be a better man for her?"

"No, sir."

"Will you stop loving her if she fails or is not enough?"

"Absolutely not," Castle states fiercely. "I love her no matter what, Jim."

"Then, Rick, I fail to see the problem. Relationships are hard, marriage is hard, and I believe you know both of these things. But I also believe that you and Katie care too much not to make it work."

Castle exhales, feels the weight of a bolder lift off his shoulders.

"Thank you, Jim. Really, thank you."

"You're welcome. I hope I have helped."

"You have, you definitely have."

Castle stands, shakes the man's hand. "I really appreciate you talking to me. It means a lot."

"Rick?"

"Yes, Jim," Castle responds, now at the front door.

"I know that you are a grown man with your own family, but if you ever need to talk again, need a little guidance, I am always here. Plus, Katie tells me you play a mean game of Chess. I'd love to play a few rounds.

"Absolutely. That sounds like a plan. We should have you over for dinner again soon."

"That sounds lovely, Rick. Take care."

Castle hears the door close behind him as he heads down the hall. He is still scared, still unsure, and knows that he needs to talk to Kate, get this all out in the open. But he no longer feels like his world is crashing down around him, like he is failing at the only thing he wanted to get right.

He is not enough.

He is not enough and that is okay, because Kate Beckett loves him anyways. As does Jim, and his mother and his daughter. So he will try, he will try his very best for all of them.

**The End**

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_Thanks so much for all your support for this story._

_I would love to know what you think._


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